Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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