Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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