I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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