I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
