What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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