literally had 100 drinks last night.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
