I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
