i think i have herpe
just one?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
