Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
