It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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