Your mouth is God's brothel.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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