I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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