Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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