Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
