I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
