Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
