Welp...herpes.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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