He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
