new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
