Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
