I accidentally burped into my bong.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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