No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
