My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Floor bacon is actually really good
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
