his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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