When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize