as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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