so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
