You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
