there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize