he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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