I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
