Buhtt sex?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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