Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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