Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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