does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
