Will you blow on my dice?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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