i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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