he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
