honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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