Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Who died my cat blue again?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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