I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
