i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize