I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
