Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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