tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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