haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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