drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
