Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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