I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
