cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
