dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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