it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
