At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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