Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
