Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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