I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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