I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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