My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
