Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
