did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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