I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
