fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
