I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
