There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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